Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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