The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're like the curious george of whores
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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