TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I die, sorry about rent.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
