when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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