OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
