Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
