Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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