When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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