I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
