Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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