i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
