I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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