watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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