Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The uberlube is also flammable
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
