So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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