I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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