I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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