I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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