Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
