I just pynch a tree in the face
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
