I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
