never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize