It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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