I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
