the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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