p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize