Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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