I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
