My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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