ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize