i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
