Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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