get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
