i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize