this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
