I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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