if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
