at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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