I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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