the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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