goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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