If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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