This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
