so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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