Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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