Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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