i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
