The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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