She's JV to your varsity
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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