Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
