This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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