The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
