the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
