Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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