I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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