hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
