There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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