remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
