so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
