my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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